431: New shoesies!

Yesterday I went to Willowbrook mall for the first time. The bus driver was a funny guy – made a quip about how the people who line up outside of Steve Nash Fitness at 6AM should be warming up instead standing around. Bought tons of veg, because apparently my mind is comfortable substituting kale for chocolate. Whether or not that smart or idiotic, I don’t know.

Bought some Vibram Fivefingers at MEC, after maybe a year of hearing about them. They’re my first major purchase after getting a job, and I’m quite pleased with them! Not sure if I prefer them to my worn down Nike Frees, but I’ve got to admit that feeling the solid pavement underneath my feet is pretty awesome. While I didn’t get the more inconspicuous all-black shoes, I’m starting to grow fond of the gaudy hot pink between my toes. What can I say, I love colourful shoes.

Also, I bought some Darn Tough socks. I’m wondering if they’ll last me until graduation… in that case, I’m wearing them to prom, no question.

I’m feeling a 7/10 today, since I haven’t binged for 37 hours. Yeah, I’m counting. The craving for muffins is there – lurking insidiously in the depths of my mind – but so far I’ve managed to stick to healthier options. I really don’t think my throat or teeth can handle any more, to be honest. Maybe I’ll draw up a list of acceptable desserts for the future, but for now, I don’t want to risk anything. I know my triggers, and I’ve got to remind myself that “I’ll start tomorrow” is not a good mantra, because eventually, I’ll run out of tomorrows.

The family situation is rough. I’ll freely admit that I’m causing it, but I don’t think I’m capable of fixing it. There’s just something that snaps in me and makes my chest hurt when I have to even think about talking to them. Before, all I ever wanted was for my family to be happy-ish and not so disjointed. Now, all I want is to get out. They make me feel like I have no one, and honestly, I’d rather be alone than lonely. Maybe when I grow older I’ll be able to understand better and control my temper. Or maybe it’ll get worse, who knows.

Stupidly enough, what’s driving me is imagining next semester’s classes. I love physics and chemistry. Maybe one day I’ll get the courage to return to weightlifting. It’s not that I’m afraid of performing terribly (because that’s guaranteed) but that my presence will annoy other people. I don’t think I improve anyone’s day, really. Hooray self-confidence issues.

I think I’ve written enough, so I’ll be ending it here. Hopefully I’ll be able to look back on this and feel proud about my progress.

OOPS forgot to include food journal:

  • strawberries and cottage cheese
  • more strawberries
  • dal with cabbage, spinach, and chickpeas
  • coffee coffee coffee
  • teaaaaa
  • butternut squash and kale sautee or something. idk. EAT YOUR VEGGIES
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Official Countdown to Freedom: 433

(I’ve got to go to work in about fifteen minutes, so I’ll update this in about five hours.)

My life is kind of screwed up right now and most of it is my fault. If I had been a stronger individual, I would have been able to handle all of this bullshit. Unfortunately I’m stuck being me.

In 433 days, I will never have to listen to my mom again. I’ll be able to severe all ties with her for the next ~70 years of my life, and that’s a beautiful thought.

Today was the last day of exams. Too bad I was too stupid to go to school; the night before, I had binged and purged a total of four times. Today, I did it once. I’ll say this again and again: it’s not worth it. Not remotely. Maybe one day I’ll be able to put that knowledge into good use.

UPDATE: chips are 2/10, cinnamon buns 4/10, ice cream 10/10

just… stick to protein powder, man.

For tomorrow (today?), first day of ABC diet b/c WHY NOT

  • oatmeal 150
  • coffee 0
  • lentils w/ curried chickpeas 350